The Rumble of a Ramble

I think that the reason why there is always a long gap between my posts is that I am looking too hard for things to write about. My holiday to Rome was an easy one and so it produced two posts. Other times (you will have probably noticed) I have really found nothing at all to write about yet I have still published well over 1000 words each time. I guess that fits in well with the title that I chose for this blog but I feel that it is time to just sit down and let a bit of steam off without being restricted by a topic or particular event in my life. In fact this decision comes at a pretty good time because I am feeling a bit blue at the moment as I feel quite a few of you will be as well. So let me fire off another splurge of thoughts and feelings and I'll see how I feel at the end of it - who's to say what will happen?

So I'm in my room, it's a nice day outside, Ellie Goulding is playing in the background and the lingering remains of a hangover are slowly fading away. This is actually a pretty typical day in my summer apart from the nice weather part: I've spent a lot of time in this room looking at this very screen with the same gaunt expression, wasting away hours on Facebook; I've rather fallen in love with Ellie over the last couple of months and she does play more often than not in my bedroom (I wish); and then the last part which I am not particularly proud of - the hangover. It's a guarantee that every time someone that I know has a little too much to drink at a party or get together that they will vow never to drink again. I have made such claims at a few junctures this year with the arrival of my legality and that of others. In fact turning 18 is maybe one of the worst things that I could have done - what a bad choice I made there eh? In fact that's a whole load of rubbish because it is true I have probably drunk too much this year, but there have been many times when I have enjoyed the privileges that turning 18 have brought. I have enjoyed the fact that I can go out with mates to the pub for a few drinks and the advantage that I don't have to ask people older than me to buy beer for me. I think the problem from my point of view (and a problem that I see in many people in my position) is that I struggle to drink in moderation unless I happen to run out before I've had too much - this never happens. You might be sitting there laughing at me or thinking that I should stop being so uptight about this but I see myself as being different to everyone else. The kind of things that I enjoy doing in my free time and the kind of things that you enjoy will probably be out of a completely different book. All I want to do with my time is read and write which I might be maligned for but I enjoy them more than anything. If I had the mental strength to decide between going out to drink or staying in with a Sherlock Holmes novel then the choice would be a no brainer. However I've come to the conclusion that there is no such choice to make - apparently teenagers have this urge to drink that must be satisfied at regular intervals. This kind of thing wrecks me, pardon the pun. 

What makes the whole thing harder is that I leave for university in little over a month, as will most of my friends - it's almost like I've waited too long to change. As a child there are an infinite number of things that you can do but soon those things dictate who you become as you drift into the permanently moody teenage years. Yes, I am an extremely happy person contrary to the way that this post in being composed but at the same time, when I'm not around people, I can get pretty down. I think I could cut this post extremely short and just say that I want a change in my life but that would be fairly boring on my part. I'll try and lighten the mood when I've got the depressive stuff out of the way. 

It feels like my whole self has gone into complete shutdown. If I was to attempt to study at the moment, just like any of you who have entered 'summer mode', then I would fail miserably. This is another thing that has to change because, life it or not, I'm going to be starting a law degree very soon. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get started but there’s going to have to be a lot of hard work between now and then to get myself back to full mental fitness. I'll try to avoid sounding too full of myself but I am a smart guy with a lot of potential but it's not a question of whether it is there for me, more a question of whether I can harness that potential. Some will say that it's a certainty I will because of what has come before from me but as it happens, and all of you will agree with me on it, assumed success is fatal for futures. Negative rant over.

So apart from more or less locking myself into Facebook and drinking too much, what exactly have I done with my summer? Well reading has been the best way I have found of keeping sharp. I have read more books this summer than I probably did in the whole of last year. At times it is a case of wanting an escape which again sounds really negative but in fact I think that putting yourself in a different life is important for self-development. Other books have been read just because I thought I should and I don't think there has been a bad one so far. So that's a good thing right there.

Do you want me to tell you the complete truth? I don't think there's anything odd about how I am feeling just now despite everything that has been written in this post, it's just that I am feeling particularly crap today and just had to get this out. If there is an age when these feelings are justifiable then it would the late teens. Yes I feel a bit empty at the moment but that's only because there's nothing for me to do. I am just about to venture into the unknown, not knowing what is round the bend and it scares me a lot - I know I'm not alone.

I feel that I should end on a joke or something but I don't have one sadly so you can just laugh along with me at my 'predicament': I am an intelligent person, I have a place to study law at one of the top 20 universites in the world, I have great friends and a super supportive family and I'm moving away from the very place that I feel is slowing me down. Now if anyone wants an exchange then I will listen to you but be warned, I will probably have to duly decline any such offers.

Thanks for reading. If you like this post then why not let others read it by clicking on the little Facebook button below. I maybe should have put Google adverts this on this page to make a wee bit of money from hits but I write because I enjoy it and hope that everyone gains a little bit of enjoyment out of what I write.

Cheers, 

Martin