The Last Blog

Sad day. This is the last post that Ramblings of a Teenager will ever see but I'm going to keep it short and sweet. I was given the poem below by a good friend of mine a few weeks ago and I've been saving it until this point - unbeknown to them of course. It means something different to me than it does to the person that wrote it but that's what makes it so special.

 As you walk along the path I left you
complacency fills my heart with passion.
It is clear now that we must not linger,
and leave us with our bitter regrets.

Sympathy has never become you
and yet our love continues to blossom.
I can't decide if we are fooling us
or if we shall ever forget ourselves.

I really can't decide what the future holds;
I know whatever happens you are mine.
But when I look at you I don't see me;
life is too short to be risking our time.

So as I sit under my tree of doubt
and as I explore the road less travelled,
I gaze upon the last glimpse of summer night,
and realise my love won't ever die.

And with that I would like to sign-off for good. I would like to extend a huge thank you to everyone that has ever read any of my posts and an even bigger thank you to people that have kept coming back for more. It means so much to me (and always has) that people take an interest in what I write - some of it being utter rubbish at times as well. My readers are the best that I could have asked for and I hope to see you all over on Ramblings of a Twenty-Something this time next week.

Much love. Over and over and over and out.

Martin

The End is Nigh

I'm not going to cry. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Well just as well I'm not otherwise this could get awkward. This day was always coming no matter how much I hoped it wouldn't. I'm turning 20 next week thus meaning that I will no longer fit into this blog. If I was to try it would be like me trying to get into a pair of girls jeans which is never going to be a pretty sight so I'm moving on. Next Tuesday I'm going to launch Ramblings of a Twenty-Something which I hope will be the bigger (and better) big brother to this blog. 

All is explained below in a short video that I've done to say thanks for your readership over the last couple of years. Ramblings of a Teenager has been a huge part of my life since I started it and it's become 'my thing' which I'm very proud of. When I think back to all of the things that this blog has seen I wonder if I could class it as being some kind of time capsule, capturing the important (and sometimes unimportant) parts of my life. What's more is that this blog has covered a period in my life that I'm likely never to witness the like of again and in many ways it maps out my change from kid to adult. Not many people have something like this to look back on and for that I feel very fortunate. I'm going to post one last time on Wednesday in ROAT which will be special for different reasons. I'll save my final teenage thanks until then but for now here is a video about what's in store for Ramblings of a Twenty-Something:

 

Under My Skin

I used to write in this blog that I liked being solitary and to a certain extent I still do. I don't have to worry about anyone else and I know that my family and good friends aren't going anywhere - I'm lucky in that respect. The last month gone by, however, has lead to me taking all of that for granted for something that I stand to gain nothing out of; something that is making me lose it a little. I sit behind this screen tonight tired and bedraggled after a long, tiring week and I can't lie by saying that I thought on Monday that things were going to be different when I got here - I knew they wouldn't be. I'm frustrated and getting pretty tired of myself over this thing. We all know what I'm talking about as well so I'm just going to dive into this post and hope that the girl in question doesn't like blogs.

Frustrations, Snooker and Sleep Deprivation - Another Story of a Week

What a week. No blog posts, a lack of sleep and some great fun in between and now it's Friday and I think it's time to sit down and take stock. I'm not sure how long this post is going to be because I'm actually not sure where the week went but I'll give you a blow by blow account of it and see if it looks anywhere near normal to you. Keeping in mind that my 'normal' week just involves going to class, preparing tutorials, reading and going to pub quizzes I think you'll be able to see why I'm having to post on a Friday night for the first time in a long time. Get comfy...

Vanity is Only Fair

If I've crunched once I've crunched a thousand times. Well the fact of the matter is that I probably have done about that in the last week or so, and even more in the last 3 weeks. For whatever reason I've got myself addicted to working out again in the aforementioned period and I'm not quite sure why. Well I actually do know the reason (which I'm undecided as to whether I'm going to disclose it or not tonight) but I'm not sure if it is a particularly rational one. On the one hand, I could say that I'm doing it to keep myself in shape and to make sure that I'm doing a bit of physical exertion every day that isn't lifting my pen or typing. However, on the other hand I know that my reasons are purely narcissistic and whether or not that is healthy I just don't know.

Scottish Football on the Brink

I generally don't blog all that much about football (surprisingly) but I think that it is important to have my say on the current situation at Rangers FC. For those of you that don't know, one of Scotland's two biggest clubs went into administration recently, resulting in a 10 point deduction and the specter of being wound up looming large over Ibrox. Being a Livingston fan, I'm in no position to laugh or enjoy their current situation because my club have been in and out of administration twice in the last 8 years. That lead to many a sleepless night and the unnerving fear of losing one of the most important things in my life. I'm going to have my say on the matter though because I'm genuinely worried for the Scottish game at the moment.

My Morning Motivation Theory and the Most Important Decision of the Day

It's been a while since I've written about something that isn't about my relationship status or alcohol and therefore something needs to change. I've also not given a lot of thought to my last 4 or 5 posts for whatever reason - I'm going to say that they 'came from the heart'. Today's post has required thought though and it is something that I'm looking forward to sharing with you this evening. I hope that I've whetted your appetite with the title; although it doesn't roll off the tongue, it should get the punters in over the next few days. It has also been a while since I've used the word 'theory' in my blogging escapades and so it excites me to be able to bring you my 'Morning Motivation Theory' tonight! The rest will be explained in due course...

If I Only Had a Heart

I would like to open tonight's post with a line from my favourite song just now (Squealing Pigs by Admiral Fellow): "it's that sinking feeling of being alone". And as I write this post on Valentine's night itself I feel a little bit like I'm sinking. Last night's post holds firm with no exceptions but there is a distinct feeling of being left out that seem all the more potent at this time of year. I had a really good day today for whatever reason. I was happier than I usually am, fooling around and laughing more than I would usually on a normal Tuesday and I'm not really sure why. I think I was feeling good after getting last night's post off of my chest because it all had to be said but now I sit here on my own wondering if there is a single drop of passion left in me. I'm hopefully going to find that out in the next 20 minutes or so.

The Commercialised Day of the Love Giving Obligation

After successfully securing my solitude for another year I feel, more than ever, to be qualified to deliver this post to you tonight. For the purposes of the this article you should strive to think of me as a half-eaten Kit-Kat or an odd sock because it will help you put it in some kind of context. This time last year (less one day) I wrote a similar post lambasting the commercialised day of the love giving obligation that is Valentine's day. Here I am again, a year on, still with a bee in my bonnet about it. The only issue is that I'm tired of digging my heels into things all of the time so the master-plan for this week is to give both sides of this story. Tonight's post is going to be all about the heel pressure and then Wednesday's post should ease it off somewhat - it's only fair. The only caveat that I serve to you about this whole thing is that this post promises to be much like a red rose: beautiful to some but prickly to others. Look away now if you think you're in love.

Apologies Sent With Love

I'm here! It's a minor miracle that I'm writing tonight because I'm shattered and for another reason that I'm going to elaborate on momentarily. That reason is that I don't really have anything to write about tonight; well I haven't thought of anything to write about - that sounds better. I've not had any drunken antics since last week (and I'd like to keep it that way) and I'm not going to reference the girl again because people are getting bored of that. Just because she's attractive doesn't mean that I have to write about her. I mean, I'm attractive and I don't write about myself all of the time. Oh...wait...damn. Actually as the more seasoned readers of this blog will know, I think myself to be quite the opposite - that's the reason why I write about myself you see. So anyway I've not really got all that much to write about this evening and that actually feels kinda of good but I'll get on with it anyway.

Decaff Coffee and Other Stories From the Past Week

Britney Spears famously sang 'whoops I did it again' - and look at what happened to her. Yes, after two weeks of waxing lyrical about how things have changed for me and how I was going to change, things hit a new (but familiar) all time low for me last week. In today's post I'm going to summarise a few of the things that have happened since Ramblings of a Teenager was last published. I think that you should get yourself comfortable because this promises to be a lengthy post that should make you both laugh and cry in equal measure.

Where better to begin than with the aftermath of last Wednesday's post. I'm not going to lie and say that I regret writing it because I don't. There have been only a few moments in the life of this blog where I felt I was writing something so personal and it felt nice to get it off of my chest. It was a post that was written in a style that I'm not used to writing away from my journal and for me to lay a part of myself bare like that took a little bit of self-encouragement on my part. In fact, 'Just a Glance' could easily be a blurb for a large chunk of what I write about in my journal and therefore you might think yourselves to be the luckiest people on the Internet - you decide. I realised the next day that I had been a bad law student/blog writer when I failed to put in a disclaimer saying that I didn't want any questions as to the identity of this girl. Suffice to say I've been bombarded since by questions and for that I feel a little daft - think before you publish in future has to be the moral of this story.

So anyway the whole thing has brought some level of jocularity to my days because every time I see her I think back to the words that I used last week and chuckle to myself. She'll never know of the frivolities of this blog and I'm sure she wouldn't care if she did - that's what makes me laugh. I might even go as far to say that she is naively attractive but that might be pushing the boat out too far. I stumbled across her Facebook page (which will happen when you spend the amount of time on that thing as I do) and tampered with the idea of 'adding' her. Never have I felt like a stalker before and never again do I want to feel like one and so that was the end of that. It's funny how these things play out in my head sometimes but I'm almost certain that similar stuff goes on in the heads of lots of guys (and probably girls) across the world. In no way is this situation unique.

Since I'm a fan of continuity I'll use the above tale to lead this post on to that low point that I referred to above. Thursday night was the pub quiz again and after the week before you would have thought that I would have taken the drinking a bit more easily. However, I guess I must have drank too much again because half way through my lecture the morning after it was time for me to leave and for everyone else to stay - that is all I'm saying on the matter. The reason why there is continuity (although having to explain this possibly takes the edge off a bit) is that as I was leaving the lecture theatre with about 150 pairs of eyes on me, I caught her out of the corner of mine. My misery was compounded with this and off I slumped with my tail (that being my last shred of Friday morning dignity) between my legs - not cool. 

So I more or less spent the rest of Friday feeling sorry for myself. The folk that were with me during the day will know that I kept hitting myself on my head in frustration as to the state I was in and spent every moment in between looking awful. I went home in the afternoon and told this story to my parents. They called me daft and suggested (in the way that parents do) to try and ease off a little. It shouldn't have taken that but I always do as they say and will be doing a lot of 'easing off' over the coming weeks.

After nursing my misery for a whole day I woke up on Saturday morning to find that my exam results were up - finally. It was in the following hour that I felt that something was back; I wasn't sure what but it was back. After finding out how I had done there was a lot of fist-pumping and (for some reason) a lot of chest beating mixed with sheer adrenaline flowing through every part of my body. I sit here now looking back on Saturday morning with fondness and now I feel like I'm riding a wave that I feel could carry me anywhere - what a difference a day can make.

So here we are the week after all of that fun and, as I sit drinking my umpteenth cup of decaff coffee (because I can) I feel slightly wiser than I did this time last week. The last 3 weeks of my life have been some of the toughest for reasons that I didn't know before. I now know that my head was in the wrong place and that there was only one thing to fix that. The weight that has been lifted off my with the release of the exam results is almost palpable and now I feel ready to charge on with the rest of the year. I'm not perfect (and I never thought I was) because I'll always have vices such as being attracted to girls I can't have but there is something much higher than that which I will always believe in - my brains and my ability.

If you got down to this paragraph then thanks for sticking with me tonight. I understand it's been a bit of a bore for a lot of you but if anything reading something like this should trigger you to think about yourself. A little bit of soul searching now and again is often needed and I feel better for it.

Thanks for reading,

Martin

Just a Glance

It has been a rarity recently for me to write on a Wednesday since I started playing 5s after university. Tonight was very close to being no different really because I'm pretty tired and it hurts to sit still for a prolonged period - suffice to say that tonight's post is going to be brief. I have been withering about producing this post for a wee while now because of the repercussions that I might suffer as a result. I'm not worried that I'll annoy anyone but I am slightly concerned about the effect that this might have on me when I publish in about half an hour's time. It will either go well or it will end up in a foot-in-mouth situation so read on to find out what the outcome will be.

The Night that Changes Things

The penny has dropped. Something has clicked. The missing piece of the jigsaw has been found. I've seen the light. OK I think you get the drift now, and that last one was a bit too akin to religion and so I think I'll stop there. Last Thursday night (the 26th of January 2012 for those of you that like to take notes) I went out to the weekly pub quiz at my favourite watering hole in Edinburgh with friends. No there wasn't any wild boar or zebras there but there was a lot of alcohol and I had my fair share along with my companions. We drank deep into the night, mixing our poisons all the while before making our weary way home - via the late night pizza shop of course. This is not a story of drunken antics (of which there were quite a few) but more about what developed the next day, and the lasting effect that it should have on me.

Location, Location, Location

Don't you just love it when something comes up and hits you in the face? I'm obviously talking about a good idea but then again if you're into being punched then don't let me judge you - although I might just do that. I've been on the brink of writing this post for a while now but I've never quite known the right words to say. Admittedly I'm not actually sure if I yet know those words but I'm low on ideas for a voluminous post and it makes no sense for me to have it on my mind for much longer.

I should probably start by explaining the 'good idea' that came to me as I sat down to write this post a few minutes ago. It wasn't an urge to watch Kirsty and Phil (on everyone's favourite house buying show) that lead me to title this post up as I have but rather it was the subject of it. I've recently becoming very conscious of how I feel in different places, with 3 in particular jumping out at me - see how I enjoyed being struck by this idea now?

Back on the Horse

I must say straight away that the only reason that I'm writing this post tonight is because I was just watching Big Bang Theory - that is all. Well, OK I'll explain a bit further in depth in a second but I wasn't planning on writing tonight (shock horror!) because I'm pretty tired and I cut my hand on a broken glass this evening - can't say I'm enjoying this typing malarkey at the moment to be fair. I'll crack on with this smashing post though (might as well embrace this evening's clumsiness) and get back to what I was saying above. Raj said to Leonard that he needs to get 'back on the whores'. He was swiftly corrected by a bemused Howard whilst I chuckled myself into a post dinner stitch and decided that I might as well write about my first day back at big school.

The Week of Coffee, Chocolate and the Box-Set

If someone was ever to write a book about my life then the last few days would be referred to as the title of this post. After initially getting over the confusion as to why someone was writing my biography (and checking they were mentally sound) I would have to ensure that such names were used to describe the inane details of my life - I doubt if it would be an easy read. This last week of my holiday has been spent drinking my favourite brown coloured drink (closely followed by a cup of Bovril), eating more chocolate that I have in the last 5 years and watching the same amount of House as I usually do in these times of 'vacation'. If you read my post on Monday night then you were probably thinking afterwards just how much better you're holiday has been than mine. The truth is that it's actually not so bad at the other end of these fingers that type this sweet poetry to you this evening.

Satisfaction not Guaranteed

It was the longest holiday, it was the shortest holiday. It was the best holiday, it was the worst holiday. It the holiday of success, it was the holiday of failure. In short it was the holiday that I always thought that it was going to be - and there is still another week left of it. I actually feel a little bit daft opening my post like that because, as the more learned readers amongst you will have noticed, it is in the form of the opening to the Dickens book 'A Tale of Two Cities': a book that I've never read before but for a short period of time had memorised the famous opening. When I look back on little things like that from previous holidays (such a frivolous past-time only came a few summers ago) it makes me think how much time I've wasted and how much time I continue to waste as well. Even as I sit here, fighting through an almost palpable bowt of writer's block, I can't decide if I'm using my time well or not.

A New...Something

Blink and you'll miss it. Another year has come and gone and I've not even had a moment to take stock. Over the last few weeks I've tried to find a moment to myself so that I could have a proper look back over 2011 - my 2011. It was the first full calendar year that I've been at university. It was the first year when I went on holiday without my parents for the first time. It was a year of epic highs and of ultimate lows. I can delve into any day of my journal from the last 365 days and know that there was hardly a time in the year when my brain wasn't switched on - for better or for worse. But now I stand at the cusp of yet another year of my life and I'm not quiet sure what to make it it all. A couple of days ago I was excited about the prospect of the new year and what it might bring but, after a slightly flat start to 2012, I'm not 100% certain what to do next.