Under My Skin

I used to write in this blog that I liked being solitary and to a certain extent I still do. I don't have to worry about anyone else and I know that my family and good friends aren't going anywhere - I'm lucky in that respect. The last month gone by, however, has lead to me taking all of that for granted for something that I stand to gain nothing out of; something that is making me lose it a little. I sit behind this screen tonight tired and bedraggled after a long, tiring week and I can't lie by saying that I thought on Monday that things were going to be different when I got here - I knew they wouldn't be. I'm frustrated and getting pretty tired of myself over this thing. We all know what I'm talking about as well so I'm just going to dive into this post and hope that the girl in question doesn't like blogs.

I'll tell you how it is. This girl who I've never talked to on my course catches my eye. I add her on Facebook and a few brief messages are exchanged. She gets the (less than subtle) hint that I like her; she has a boyfriend - should have been the end of it. I spend the next 3 weeks finding myself scoping her out in lectures, occasionally saying 'hi' or 'morning' to her - nothing else. I slip into the 'kicking myself' mode and don't even have the guts to go up and talk to her, even just out of politeness. It is here that I'll join the story tonight and hope that I'm not making a complete idiot of myself. I might as well end 'Ramblings of a Teenager' on a learning curve (or whatever this turns out to be) because it'll give me something to write about in my new blog.

I've picked a few ears about this since it started to get to me and everyone seems to say the same thing. I've been told to stop being an idiot, I've been told that I'll get over it, I've been told that I should make an effort to move on. I've told myself each of those things at least once under my own steam as well. That staggering fact of all of this is that I've never even spoken to the lassie before, with the only time we've heard each other being in the less that sociable atmosphere of an European Union Law tutorial for a single semester. Some might even say that this whole thing marks me out as a bit of a creep but I know where the line is at least - and this post comes fairly close to it.

I guess you could say that I'm 'under the influence' of something that I have very little control over. I was under the influence of alcohol on Wednesday night at our annual Law Ball when I turned up at the first venue after dinner, only to see her standing right in the middle of the room looking beautiful. A good friend of mine that was with me (who knows who she is) actually asked if I was OK and something clicked inside me and I knew, there and then, that somehow I had let the whole thing get under my skin. I'm not proud of it but pride doesn't count for much when you are learning lessons from your mistakes. I (surprisingly) don't regret any of this but I do know that it has to stop somewhere: I just don't know where and when that'll be.

Anyway those of you that had their theories on what I was frustrated with when I got back in the early hours of Thursday morning, you now know. I came very close to letting it get to me on Wednesday but a few bourbon and cokes and some erratic dance moves later and I think I just about dealt with myself. I may well have skewed your view of me slightly tonight but I don't feel embarrassed writing about stuff like this otherwise I wouldn't be a blogger who writes about himself and his university experiences. This is a small chunk of what goes on in my head on a daily basis and I might as well share it with you otherwise it'll all have been for nothing - literally.

Thanks for reading tonight and if you read both posts then kudos to you - an extended thank you if you did!

Martin